This morning I woke up at 4am startled from a terrible dream. I woke up sobbing as hard as I've ever woken up sobbing from a terrible, terrible dream. I woke Seth up (not on purpose) and couldn't stop crying for at least 20 minutes. My heart was gripped with fear and sadness.
I dreamed my Seth died.
It was so awful. In my dream he was gone for a second and I woke up.
One second of that glimpse of the pain of losing him has me so shaken, so terrified.
It was unbearable.
I should have seen it coming, though. I was reviewing an account with clients yesterday and we discussed their son's death and how you "just never know". I shared (briefly!) about the day I thought I could have lost Seth and I got chocked up. I usually distance my mind and heart from the reality of that day whenever I talk about it. I need that distance to exist like I need diet dr. pepper before 8am. Apparently all that distance has caught up with me. I guess suppressing all those feeling and fears isn't really the healthiest approach. I should probably do something about that.
This morning my sweet husband held his shaking, sobbing wife and assured me that he was right there with me. He whispered comfort and peace to me and made me feel safe again.
I should never, ever, take those moments for granted.
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